It's been a long time since I've last posted a blog. Almost 9 years. It's crazy reading some of my old posts in my review blog, back when I was much happier. Back when life was much simpler and before I turned into the pathetic monstrosity you're reading from right now. I want to use this blog to just yap on about random things. I'm only doing this because I'm tired. I'm tired, but I'm too weak and stupid to do anything about it.
Despite how much I've dedicated my life to technology and engineering, I will NEVER be good enough. I've always wanted to be a great engineer. I always wanted to work on something cool and be useful to people, that I'm not a dead weight on society. But despite dedicating huge amounts of time to my work, I'm still not good enough at the skills I want to excel at. On top of that, I've sacrificed my work-life balance and I still have not amounted to anything. All I do is work 8-10 hours a day, watch YouTube, maybe play video games, work more on tech, go to sleep, and repeat in this never-ending cycle. I'm starting to wonder what am I doing all this for? Am I really building anything useful? Will I ever be a benefit towards people? Or will I just be a slave to my work for the rest of my miserable life? Just slaving my life away towards arbitrary corporate goals that won't mean anything to anyone? Don't get me wrong: I love what I do for my job. It's the only thing that gives me some sense of purpose.
I guess what I'm trying to say with all this pointless yapping is I'm regretful. I'm regretful for failing. Failing at being the best engineer I can be. Failing at being there for my family. Failing to make and maintain friendships. Failing to serve a community. All I've ever done in my life is "just exist".
And there are two sides of me that have always been at conflict with each other on this. There's the "doomer" side of me that just wants to give up on everything and just go away. Shut myself completely from everyone else so I don't keep bothering people, so I don't keep being this drain on others. But there's a "hopeful" side of me. Some part of me that still wants to keep going. That maybe I will find a spark that will drive me forward. I'm hoping that does happen. That side of me wants to prove the nihilistic side of me wrong. But I don't know what to do.
There's so much stuff that I've aspired to but haven't worked towards either because I'm incompetent or lazy or both. I still have a keyboard (piano) that has been sitting around collecting dust. I used to be into music and there's a tiny part of me that's been wanting to go back. There's always stuff for me to learn with tech. I want to be a better cook to eat a better diet. To be more fit. There are hundreds of things I want to do but I don't know if I have the capacity or the will to work towards them anymore.
As lazy and complacent as I am, I think I'm starting to reach a breaking point. I can't tell if this is the optimist or pessimist in me talking, but I can't continue to live like this. One thing is clear: I need to stay off the internet as much as I can. I'm not good enough to work on all of my goals at the same time, but I will try. I have to. For my sake.
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