I'm writing this blog to air out my discontent with myself...again. Unfortunately, I haven't quite go over my YouTube addiction. I'm still mostly just working and sitting around watching YouTube after work.
I'm getting pissed off. I'm getting angry at myself, for being too passive. For being too weak and incompetent. I've failed to do anything worthwhile for anyone other than myself. I haven't talked to my friends, not that I should anyway. I'm not interesting enough to talk to.
So, what will I do? I've tried looking into seeking therapy. Everywhere I look in my area, they all seem full. But I'll at least try to give a call. Somewhere. I'll also try to distract myself with other projects.
I've slowly been burnt out on software over time. I studied Computer Engineering and got a Master's in Electrical Engineering. However, all I do is work on operating systems and software. While I love messing with Linux systems, I don't want that to be all I am. I always wanted to design hardware, design circuits, design CPUs, etc. In fact, designing CPU architectures (ARM, x86, RISC-V) was my "dream job". I've always wanted to do that. But I've failed to get into that sector of the tech industry and I'm too incompetent to teach myself.
I should know how to design hardware. I should know how to design circuits. I should know how to solder. But I don't. And that REALLY pisses me off. But I also want to be good at piano. I want to be fit. I want to be a better cook. I want to be better at talking to people and hopefully maybe meet some more friends and possibly a partner some day. And I have the capacity to be good at these things.
I'm tired of saying "I want to do (X), but (Y)". No more "buts". No more excuses. No more. If I can't even do the basic thing of learning a new skill or muster the simple motivation of pursuing my dream, what's the point of me continuing to live such a miserable life? Nothing I've done serves a higher purpose. I haven't helped anyone. I haven't done anything useful for anybody. All I've done was just slave away at a career nobody will care or benefit meaningfully from my labor.
I'm just a coward who's tired.
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